


A Broken Crayon Will Still Color

by DimTheLights



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Hurt/Comfort, Lars is a good friend, Steven has a lot of baggage, Takes place after Prickly Pear, Trans Male Character, both Steven and Lars are trans, like a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-25 16:15:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22459036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DimTheLights/pseuds/DimTheLights
Summary: In a moment of desperation, we can all do crazy things.
Relationships: Steven Universe & Lars Barriga
Comments: 10
Kudos: 97





	A Broken Crayon Will Still Color

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y’all!! Guess who’s back with a new fic? It’s me!! 
> 
> This is kinda different and while Steven and Lars are trans it’s only mentioned, but I will write a proper fic of them being trans buds. 
> 
> I just needed some angst because I’ve had A WEEK 
> 
> Also I mention that Lars has a bedroom and water bottle, I hc that Lars has a bed bc he’s a creature of habit and still likes to sleep even if he don’t need it and the water is just plot convince! 
> 
> Anyway enjoy!

Hesitation, regret, guilt, Steven felt all these and more, it had been only a couple hours since cleaning up all those cactus spines and he decided to bail on the gems to avoid talking. 

Now, hiding under the porch like a coward, sitting on the cold, wet sand as the sun began to slowly descend beyond the horizon. Why did he have to mess up so tremendously, neglecting to take care of the one plant Garnet had told him too, destroying his house, and eventually just walking out without saying a word to the gems. It didn’t matter if he went back inside, he’d have to live with his dad until Bismuth got a chance to fix the house…

Again.

Steven let out a deep sigh and pulled his legs closer to him, why was he such a screw up, why couldn’t he just do what he was supposed to do. Of all the monumental screw ups in the galaxy he had to be at number one.

“I just had to open my big mouth.” He began talking to himself, “I couldn’t just be a good role model for Cactus Steven, I had to go and ruin everything, just like I ruin everything else.” 

He placed his head on his arms, watching as the sun set, not paying any mind to the wet sand sticking to his pajamas or feet. He watched the tide come and go, pulling a shell along with it, observing as it drifted slowly out to sea, if only he could trade places. 

He looked up when he felt a familiar touch brushed against his back, lion. Lion had snuck up behind him and started to nuzzle his face against Steve’s lower back, he eventually settled next to Steven, placing his head in his lap, purring softly. Steven smiled softly and placed his chin on top of lion’s head, the tension in his shoulders dropped and his breathing became more even. 

“Hey buddy, you want to keep me company?” Despite hiding, he gratefully accepted the lion's presence. Lion yawned and pushed his face closer to Steven, the boy let out a small, tired laugh while wrapping his arms around lion’s neck and resting his face against his mane. The pink fur was comforting and soft and warm, almost like a security blanket, keeping him grounded. The tension in Steven’s shoulders left completely and his eyes drooped a bit, he hadn’t realized how tired he had been.

Just to rest his eye, that’s all he wanted, just to close his eyes and forget the world, just for a moment.

Even that seemed too much to ask for.

The next thing Steven knew he was inside of Lion’s mane, the familiar pink landscape, the pink grass, or was it fur? The pink tree that held some of his mother’s belongings, and the second tree. Lars’ tree.

Lars.

In a moment of desperation and spontaneous desires, Steven bolted for the tree, needing anything, anyone to help him, to tell him that it’ll be alright. Lion was good company sure, but not a good conversationalist. He leaped through the barrier and stumbled out onto the cold, tiled floor of the off colors’ ship. He faltered when trying to get up, falling back on the floor.

“Steven?” that familiar voice, Lars’ voice, it was filled with concern, shock, and panic. He soon felt steady hands on his arm and back, helping him up, he didn’t expect to land so roughly, then again he had rushed through the portal without even taking a moment to hold his breath. 

His body finally let go of the breath he had been holding in and he could hear how hard he was breathing really, and then he froze, what was he supposed to say to Lars? Hey I screwed up big time back at home, can I stay here for a few hours or something? 

“Oh! How wonderful, Steven will be visiting us!” Padparadscha exclaimed with a smile, this was enough to get Steven out of his trance and look up at Lars who had a look on his face that was a mix of concern and confusion. 

“Hey Lars, long time no see.” He gave an awkward chuckle, Lars still kept his hold on Steven, fearing for the worst if he let him go. Without even saying anything Lars could tell something was up, from the messy hair, well messier than usual, Steven still being in his pajamas which seemed to be damp and covered in sand, to the tired and exhausted look on Steven’s face.

“Steven what’s going on?” Lars turned Steven around so they could be face to face, which didn’t help the situation at all. 

“I...um, well,..home..” great, he was clamming up, shutting down, now all his instincts told him was to run, run and hide, get far away from here, his voices inside his head screamed at him to leave, to go back home, stop wasting everyone’s time. Then he felt the tears start to pour out, he was powerless to stop them, like a dam that had busted, he began to cry uncontrollably.

Through choked out sobs, and sniffling he only managed to hear half of what Lars was saying, he didn’t care at this point, he wasn’t fully aware of anything except for the ringing in his ears until he felt arms around him. Lars was hugging him, it didn’t take him long to return the hug but even tighter, as if to let go, Lars would disappear into nothing and he would be all alone again. He didn’t care if the off colors saw him, he didn’t even care if anyone saw him, right now, Lars Barriga, was the only thing that was keeping him grounded and feeling safe. Everything was crumbling around him and he felt so weak, unable to control his own emotions, he didn’t even register that Lars had brought him to what seemed to be his own room until Lars closed the door behind them.

“Steven, Steven look at me.” it was less of a command and more of a plea, his voice was a lot calmer now, but still filled with concern. Steven covered his face with his hands, not feeling the courage to face him yet, he heard Lars sigh and then Steven was lead somewhere else in the room. 

“Can you lay down at least? You look exhausted, dude.” He didn’t sound annoyed, but Steven could tell he was a bit frustrated with how he was behaving, 17 years old and still acting like a toddler, how pathetic, he eventually nodded and practically flopped down on what he guessed was Lars’ bed, did Lars even need to sleep anymore? He moved his hands from his eyes but only a little to see Lars crouching beside the bed.

“Can I...can I just take a nap here…just for...just for a w-while?” Steven pleaded, his voice was hoarse and desperate. 

“Sure man, take all the time you need.” Steven was half-way unconscious when he heard Lars speak, but in only a few seconds, he was asleep, his chest rising and falling in a synchronized rhythm. 

\--

This time when he woke up, he was still in Lars room, the pink teen nowhere in sight. Steven felt like a ton of bricks had crashed onto him, his head hurt, his eyes hurt, his throat hurt, just everything hurt. He shoved his face back down into the pillows, wanting to go back to sleep, that was until he heard the door open and saw Lars. Steven looked like a deer caught in the headlights, he sat up, with an almost terrified look on his face. 

“Lars...I’m so sorry, I-I...just-” he was cut off by Lars sitting next to him, he felt like crying again, but his head hurt so much he didn’t think it would be the best idea, he was pulled out of his thoughts when Lars handed him a water bottle, which he graciously accepted, didn’t question and chugged half of it in less than a minute. 

“Steven it’s fine, I just want to know what’s going on and why you’re here.” Lars took the bottle from Steven once he was finished and set it on the bed stand next to them, then facing Steven to look him in the eyes. 

Steven felt completely small, like everything had become too overwhelming at once, to be honest, he didn’t even understand why he was there, it was just because he needed to get away so desperately he took the first chance he got without a second thought.

“I don’t know, I needed to get away...I guess.” He looked away from Lars, resting his head against the backboard. 

“Why did you need to get away? Is everything alright?” The concern in Lars’ voice actually made Steven laugh bitterly, nothing was alright, nothing was okay, nothing was going to go back to the way it use to be, everything and everyone would realize that they don’t need him and move on. The concern in Lars’ voice even made Steven a bit mad, even after all these years, with all the change he’s been through, where did he get the idea to comfort him? Was it out of pity or did he just want to get rid of him faster by pretending to care. 

“Would it even matter if I told you?” Steven spat bitterly, voice laced with venom. He immediately regretted it once it left his mouth. 

“Hey, you came to me so don’t even think about getting an attitude with me.” Lars’ raised his voice a bit but quickly lowered it when he saw Steven’s shrink a bit when he did. 

“I’m trying to understand what’s going on but so far all’ve you’ve given me to work with is you crying and incoherent nonsense.” He placed a hand on Steven’s back. “I really want to help Steven, but I need you to talk to me.” 

Steven let out a shaky sigh and steadied his breathing “Okay.” It was soft but it was a start. 

\--

“And then I just went for your tree, it was an impulsive decision really, I just needed to get away.” Steven concluded his story, now him and Lars’ facing towards each other on the bed, Steven not looking him in the eyes. 

Lars’ went into processing everything Steven had been through since the graduation, since he left, since the band broke up, all the bottled up emotions he had been keeping from the gems. He understood all too well, closing yourself off so you seem less of a burden, lashing out in frustration, being uncertain and scared all the time. He remembered a time when Steven was just a happy kid, annoying maybe, but at least he wasn’t having full blown breakdowns a million miles away from his family. 

Steven leaned back against the headboard, feeling only slightly better, he still felt terrible, now he just dumped all his problems out to Lars’, what kind of friend was he, a bad one that’s for sure. Stupid, worthless Steven, can’t figure out his own problems so he has to go to space to find the only person who will listen to his pathetic problems. 

Almost as if he could read his thoughts, Lars’ placed a hand on Steven’s, pulling him back to the present. 

“It goes away right?” Steven spoke softly, looking Lars’ in the eye for the first time. The pink teen gave him a puzzled look and he continued. 

“These feelings, it’s just teenage angst right? It’ll go away?” Lars’ didn’t know what to say, a part of him wanted to say yes, of course they do, but he knew he’d be lying. This sounded way to much like personal baggage than any teenage angst he remembered. He still wanted to say yes, not just for Steven but for also himself, he wanted the reassurance just as much as Steven did, that things would get better. He might be undead but it’s not like he could just go back to the life he had been living before. Everything was new to the both of them. 

“Steven, I...no, not from my experience anyway.” He sighed and saw Steven curl up into himself, he knew that wasn’t the answer Steven wanted but it wouldn’t help to give him false hopes either. 

“It sucks, and it’s hard, but you just got to power through it, y’know?” He tried to get Steven’s attention but failed.

“Steven, come on, I know it sucks to feel like that, but you need to feel like that sometimes, that way you know what your problems are and you can sort them out.” Whatever he was saying didn’t seem to be making Steven feel any better, in fact he just started crying again. Lars’ honestly didn’t mean to make Steven cry, hell this kid had given him so much of his time when he was awful to him, it’s a surprise he was still his friend. 

“I feel broken Lars, like no matter how hard I try, everything just gets ruined.” Steven’s breath hitched a bit between crying, covering his face, trying to wipe his tears. “I don’t feel how I want to feel, I feel trapped, and alone, and scared...and angry, I feel angry almost everyday and I hate it.” his tears didn’t cease to fall, he gave up trying to stop them and just gript the bed sheets. 

“Even if you are broken, it doesn’t mean you have to give up, it just means you get to take time to fix yourself.” Lars’ scooted closer to Steven trying to comfort him a bit but Steven only responded by scooting back further into the headboard. Worth a shot. 

“But what if I hurt people in the process? What if people try to help and all that happens is me hurting them?” His voice was sad and tired. “What if, even if I do manage to fix myself, people don’t need me or want me around?” 

“Well, you could always think of yourself as a forest, even when destroyed it will regrow and even if people don’t need you then, you’ll be there for when they do while still enjoying yourself.” Steven perked up a bit at this, looking puzzled at Lars’ slightly, at least he got his attention. 

“Or you could see yourself as a river, even when you dry up and only leave a canyon behind, people will still remember the old you but appreciate the new you even more.” Steven let out a small chuckle as Lars’ attempted to lift his spirits. Lars’ smiled a bit and shifted to sit next to Steven on the bed. 

“You could compare yourself to a crayon even.” This got Steven’s full attention and earned Lars’ a genuine laugh. 

“What does that even mean?” He was at least smiling a bit, looking at Lars’ fully this time. 

“Well, just because a crayon is broken doesn’t mean it’ll stop coloring, you’re resilient, if you could survive multiple abductions, fights with gems twice your size, and even bring intergalactic peace, I’m positive that, Steven Quartz Universe can survive his sucky teenage years.” He placed a hand on Steven’s hair and ruffled it, earning a bigger smile from the gem. 

“Thanks Lars, so this I guess these feelings are pretty normal for teenagers to have?” It was more rhetorical than an actual question but it still got a chuckle from Lars.

“Dude, we are anything but normal.” They both laughed softly, Steven leaning his head against Lars’ shoulder. 

In many ways, Lars and Steven were significantly different, from home life to personality, but they both had found ways that they were similar over the years. They both came out as trans when they were younger and confided in one another, they both cared for Sadie Miller, they had similar taste in music, and they were both intergalactic heroes. 

And now, even after being separated by millions of miles of space, Steven felt comforted that even if stuff might seem difficult now, he knew he would survive. 

They all would. 

**Author's Note:**

> Go ahead and give me suggestion for actual Trans! Steven fics, I’m all open for anything 
> 
> Anyone clown the comments and you will get a fat boot


End file.
